Brammar's Old Match Reports
Centaurs
v Witherers
Centaurs Cricket Club ("What a glorrrrrrious feeling, I'm ha-ha-happy again - Not")
In weather that would have suited sheep dog trials, gaelic football, Doctor Foster's trip to Gloucester, or an all-day drinking session, Centaurs' bowling attack leaked runs even faster than it leaked leaks. This was the game that should never have been allowed to happen, like Elton John's first marriage, or Britain's latest fashion craze for the ample girl, the muffin top.
Still, Witherers' skipper, apparently a strict adherent to the Dwayne Leverock diet, drooling at the thought of the Centaurs' bowling buffet's Mrs Miggins Selection, insisted the game was going ahead even if he had to reach the wicket in Fred Flintoff's upturned pedalo. Sure enough, at the sound of the dinner gong Witherers' good batsman tucked in like Fred Flintstone at a dinosaur roast. The runs conceded from the first over are still being counted. In brief, 34 overs in horizontal rain yielded 340 runs, including a double century for Witherer's good batsman and a century for mini-Dwayne, despite the twin handicaps of having only 2 shots (the squirt to third man and the shovel to leg) and being too podgy to run. The lowlights were 5 dropped catches in an 8-ball period, 3 of them by your correspondent, who squirted the first chance with water from his spinning bow-tie, threw a bucket of tinsel over the second, and ran the third over in his exploding car. Next time I get a phone call at 12.40 asking if I can play, I'll remember to say I'm already commited to doing something more enjoyable like root canal surgery or being the soup of the day at Hannibal Lecter's new theme bistro "You Are What You Eat". The highlight was that after 34 overs we were allowed to stop.
(If I wasn't so traumatised I'd also mention some good bowling from Merlin and Neel, some good ground fielding from Harpo and both Bens, a catch for Skips and a comedy celebration by Sibs when the second wicket fell ("Yeeeeerrrrrrs! 270 for 2 off 20 overs!! - whole new complexion on the game!!! - lets not take our foot off their throat Centaurs!!!! Who's next with the amyl nitrate?")).
Redemption came in the form of a batting performance featuring 70-odd for Chandrin, 60-odd for Hemmers, 50 for Dicko and 40-0dd for Sibs, amounting to a season's high total of 270-odd. Most pleasing of all was that Witherers seemed to enjoy fielding about as much as a man with haemorroids enjoys a bumpy bus ride.
Witherers' good batsman also took 4 wickets (admittedly with ploopy dobbers and some truly laughable attempts to contest the league-appointed umipre's no-ball and wide calls - been watching too much of cricket's poutiest international captain). Apparently Witherers' good player was going to play for Centaurs until he met Dicko.
Crap Bumblers next week at the Crem. As D:Ream rightly said, "Things .... Can Only Get Better. Can Only Get Better".
Can't they?
Ex-Ex-Ex-Skips
Centaurs Cricket Club ("We are Zen. We are cricket. We are the ball. We are love")
The New Year kicked off with the annual match up between the permanently hungover and the constatntly stoned at Mission Road on Saturday, and true to our collective New Year's resolution, Centaurs took the field with 11 players for the very first ball. Whether the fact that we had 11 players in place on time was connected to the fact that Scholesy wasn't playing and so the ritual pre-match tour of the tunnels of Kowloon in a soft top car and gas mask could be dispensed with we will never know.
In a canny ploy to prevent the vile Australians in the team crowing too loudly about recent alleged cricket results in a nuclear testing ground near the planet's rectum, Mr S Note created a diversion by announcing his engagement. Mr Note obviously thought this deal - a lifetime's wedlock for a crow-free 10 minutes - a fair one, which puts the suffering he must have endured in the Lucky Landfill over Christmas in perspective. Congratulations, Frithy, but remember - a wife is for life, not just for Christmas. The number of discarded, unwanted and unloved wives always mushrooms about this time of year exacerbating a raft of social problems including fouling of streets, biting of postmen, harassing of cats (err that's enough on discarded wives for now, thanks, Ed....).
The 'Taurs won the toss and, controversially, chose to field first. A laminated , colour-coded chart found on the dressing room floor, or stolen, or handed out free with the match-day programme suggested that this was because so far this season we keep winning the toss, batting and getting rolled like a doobey. It's the resolution to harness such innovative thinking that will make the 2007 Centaurs so much more resolute than the irresolute team of 2006 which so lacked resolve (except in sachet-form).
Neel, the Centaurs' smiling assassin, was more deadly (and smilier) than ever, having Hussain Butt neatly caught by Mark D almost immediately, exposing the Lamma tail. Mr Butt might have made a double hundred against UAE for Hong Kong, but he couldn't manage double figures against the Colombo Killer and Will "Wheels" Kinder, the janitor of the corridor of uncertainty.
Skips, displaying the uncluttered thought that is the hallmark of the Zen cricketer in the New Year, bowled his 2 openers straight through, then turned to Monty Molloy and Chand the Man, who between them borrowed the janitors' bucket from Wheels and mopped up the last 9 members of the tail. Merlin took 5 for 30 odd, Chandrin 2 for, Wheels 1 for and the Assassin 1 for. Only one catch dropped, one ignored, and some good takes from Neel, Skips and Sick Note.
The target was 148. Chandrin and Richard C, looking every inch the Future England Captain in his sleeveless light blue jumper, seemed set to haul it in on their own until a top edged pull from Chandrin was safely caught. This brought Skips to join Athers. A partnership which would make the grass growing look like Cirque du Soleil ended when Hemmers was caught playing the injudicious waft that he has taken years to perfect. This brought ex-ex-Skips to the wicket for an innings which could not have been more cameo if he'd worn his box on the outside in a gold lamay posing pouch. Meanwhile, Roebuck was LBW, the newly affianced was caught behind, and the game was, if not down the pan, then certainly in the cubicle undoing its belt.
Fighting to keep the cubicle door open and the team's trollies up, Neel (still smiling) struck some lusty blows and Wheels struck even more. Both perished to make room for an even briefer cameo by Royce (although, thankfully wearing neither gold pouch nor, surprisingly, the trademark all in one ballerina's suit and codpiece combo - Nijinsky by Gray Nicholls). This left Brenton and Mark at the crease (after Merlin was halfway to the middle but called back by his skipper - "just not your time, Merlin" drawled our spiritual leader) with the required rate up to 6 an over, then 9 from the last over, which may not be turtle's head, but is probably cubicle door locked, loo seat cover on, pants down, teeth gritted. Some ragged flailing by Mark and Brenton and a dropped catch (by Hussain BUTTer fingers - honk - expect to see his Hong Kong cap being proudly worn by Geoff Boycott's cat shortly - don't tell him I said that) left 6 required from 2 balls from the Ganjan's canny old leggy. But pressure does funny things to people, even aged, dope addled leggies, and the first was a full toss on leg stump which Brenton calmly despatched for 4 through deep mid wicket (which was very kindly left unprotected by Mr D Fiend, the Lamma skipper). So 2 to win off the last ball, and Brenton clipped it casually through cover for Mark and Brenton to scamper the winning runs. What fun.
So a new year, new momentum, new vigour, new winning ways, new shiny wheels, new wedding plans and lots of other new stuff, but no old stuff like losing, cynicism, bowling wides, giving your wicket away, turning up late, not concentrating or sledging your own team mates. Well, not much anyway.
Cheers
Brams
MVP: Will "Wheels" Kinder
Saturdays' Festivities (both this and last)
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Cent Annae Shambolicae")
The team for the centenary fixture at HKCC is unchanged from last week. It starts at 1.15pm at HKCC.
Afterwards there will be drinks, a dinner and "discotheque" at HKCC to celebrate 100 years since the first game between Centaurs and Craigengower, which was also the first league cricket match ever played in Hong Kong. The cost is believed to be HK$400 per head, which is believed to cover food, drink and the fees for Purple Ronnie's Road Show (or something like that). The dress code is believed to be black tie (or as smart as possible). Drinks are believed to start at 7pm and dinner around 8pm. Of course the afternoon's cricket match should finish at around 6pm and the more Centaurs' supporters for that the merrier. Each of the details above will be confirmed as soon as Gopal can confirm with CCC's captain.
Since it is our centenary, it would obviously be fitting if we could have a good turn-out for the evening do. The prospect of witnessing Imran's much anticipated season's debut on the dance floor is sure to put plenty of bum's on seats. Gopal tells me he has 15 guests coming and I have at least 8. Please let me know (with a copy to Gopal: zimon@netvigator.com) as soon as possible who else would like to come and the names of any guests.
Last Saturday's game packed a season's worth of incident into 70 overs. Centaurs' 4th tie in 3 years, this one had it all.
Uncle Gopes, arriving customarily late no doubt after packing a life-time of crises and phone calls into a 40 minute car journey, lost the toss and we were condemned to field first in scorching heat. Uncle, practising the mind games and inflicting the mental disintegration that have become such an integral part of sport at this exalted level, replied inscrutably to Kai Tak's captain that we would have fielded anyway. As Kai Tak's players reached for the sun-loungers, chilled soft drinks and sports pages, and ours (once they eventually arrived) reached for the sun-cream and salt tablets, my suspicion is that Kai Tak's captain might not have been entirely convinced.
Our bowling was generally inaccurate, but not truly woeful, and one of Kai Tak's openers made 74 off the edge and 6 off the middle. The normal handful of catches went down, including remarkably one (maybe 2) from the normally immaculate Zinedine Zidane look-alike (and on Saturday Phil Tuffnell catch-alike) Immy. Debutant Shane put one down as well, but it can't be easy to send text messages to strippers, take diet pills and take catches at mid-wicket all at the same time.
Uncle had an LBW decison turned down. Adopting another mental disintegration technique learned from Nasser Hussein's triumphant performance against South Africa this summer, Uncle pretended to forget the umpire's name. Again this piece of psychological one-upmanship was limited in its success, its effectiveness undermined by the improbability of the umpire's parents naming their son "F*****g Cheating C**t". (Editor's note: his name was in fact "F*****g Blind C**t").
Anyway after lots of swishing by Kai Tak batsmen and some whirling away by Centaurs bowlers, Kai Tak made 239 for 8. Andy Dartnell, Yasir and Ali each took a good catch and Immy took 3 wickets. Ali took 2 with his last 2 balls (and is therefore on a hat trick on Saturday). Not much else to report although I might be confused over a catcher or 2.
Centaurs raced off to a fabulous start with Immy smiting a whirlwind 60 odd and Keith a more sedate, but still dashing, 70. Other than some great pick up shots over square leg, Ex-Skips' knock was most notable for the addition of another condition to Centaurs' Unconditional Walking Policy. This started as a simple policy, namely if you've edged one behind and are caught you must walk. The Chapman proviso was added last season so that the policy now only applies if you are sure that the umpire will give you out ("Why didn't you walk, Chappers?" "Because I thought the umpire might not give me!"). Proviso 2 (the "Hemshall proviso") must now also be included so that the policy does not apply if you're 47 not out and batting beautifully. To clarify a matter which is becoming somewhat murky, the Unconditional Walking Policy may need to be re-stated thus; "If you middle one to cover or are clean bowled you must walk unless you think the bowler might have overstepped or you weren't quite ready or perhaps no one was looking".
Anyway as a result of great knocks from both openers, a quickfire 20 from Darters, a streaky 30 from ExEx Skips and a 20-odd from Yasir the requirement was 7 from the last 2 overs. Some injudicious shots and truly clueless running reduced this to 3 off the last ball with 9 wickets down. Cometh the hour, cometh Nick Lord. Pummelling the ball to deep mid wicket, he and Chandrin cantered 2 runs, levelling the scores and tying the match.
Festive.
Men of the Match: Immy and Keith
Champagne Moment: Lordy's lofted drive over mid wicket
Here, for the price of one, 5 match reports.
Barely 3 weeks into the new season and already we have played 5 games, found 6 new players (of whom 1 is missing, presumed lost in the long grass at extra cover at PTS, stuck down a crevasse at KGV or arrested for loitering at KCC after dark). We have selected a total of 37 players (and then de-selected 35 of them because we got a better offer). We have seen 2 minor injuries, 11 ducks, 23 missed chances (all the wicket-keeper's fault) and a 14 ball "circus over" by Ben from the Farouq end at Royal Hong Kong Cricket Club. We have scored 750 runs, taken 34 wickets and held 21 catches. We have taken the field with less than 11 players 5 times. We have consumed 2 bags of hula-hoops, 109 bananas and one warm can of lager (which the Skipper guzzled to himself). We have not seen Richard Nuttall and therefore have not set him on fire once, not even a little bit. We have seen Tony Turner's all-weather tanned torso 24 times in one afternoon. And Fletch has had 719 conversations, only one of which pertained to events occurring after 1974. That's the statistics out of the way. They are, by the way all accurate. Look in the book (if we ever find it).
Centaurs v CCC @ KGV Meadows 15 Sept 2001
The first lost toss of the new regime saw the Centaurs take the field with 10 men, not because of the usual "Sorry Skips I couldn't be arsed to get here on time", but because no one could calculate the sum of those available and selected minus those selected and then told they were dropped minus those who were selected and then dropped out. The 10 looked great, however, in new shirts and caps provided by our corporate sponsors, ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). By the time we realised we were one short, Ali, Ben and Gopal had CCC under severe pressure. From 60 for 3 at drinks, CCC made it to 180 for 5. Ben got 4 bowling with rhythm and swing, Ali and Gopes at least 1 each. Ali had Mark Eames trapped leg before - a big wicket with which to celebrate your debut, even if it did pitch a foot outside leg
stump.
Our batting was woeful. We were all out for 85 with the only resistance coming from Gopal and Tony who both made 20-odd. On the bright side, this meant we could each get home early to play with our ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!).
Centaurs v Police @ PTS Pastures 22 Sept 2001
Skips convinced himself and the rest of us that this game was not going to take place and, frankly, it would have been better for us all if it had not. The pitch was poor, our performance was poor and there were not even any ZINNOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). Lost by about 60 runs. Oh well. The game did at least feature Fletch opening the bowling, a good knock from Chandra on his debut and the dropped catch of the season from the wicket-stopper. It also featured good catching by Skips, whose fielding so far this season is new and improved.
Centaurs v Nomads @ Royal Hong Kong Cricket Club 29 Sept 2001
What a start! With the first ball of the day Tony Turner bowled the Nomads opener, who looked like he had eaten one too many ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). This started a beautiful spell of away swing bowling which resulted in 3 wickets and problems for the Nomads. These were short-lived, however, and they ended up with 220 or so. We got 175 and a full complement of batting points with runs from Mr Gopal, Simon Clitheroe (on his Centaurs debut), Simon King and some other people, I suspect. Very pleasant BBQ and beers afterwards. Them woz the days!
Centaurs v Gap Ramblers Cricket Club (Founded: 1983. Trounced by Centaurs: 2001) @ RHKCC 2 October 2001
Centaurs win by about 12 runs. Ex-skips features in a director's cut feature length re-make of "The Worst Innings of All Time", featuring John
Banks. Ali, Gopal, Trevor and Tony bowl very well to counteract Ben's studio re-make of "The Worst Over of All Time" featuring Mr Farouq. Let's hope this is not going to be a series. Gap Ramblers skipper throws his ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!) out of the pram. Skips and Nick Lord outstanding in the field. Trevor bats well on his
debut.
Centaurs v Lamma @ KGV Spinney 6 October 2001
We lost. They were quite good. Trevor Warburton umpired very well indeed. Eddie made his debut and looked very lively in the field. Chandra looked full of confidence with the bat. We were one player short until Skips senior kindly volunteered to field for us. There was no beer. There was no beer. At least we could all go home and play with our (That's enough from our corporate sponsor, Ed.).
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Wembley, Wembley")
Inspired by Nathan Astle, Graham Thorpe and Jo Jo the Juggler from Jongleurs comedy club, Centaurs and Mainlanders produced the most
entertaining runfest Kowloon has witnessed since last weekend.
Uncle Gopal won the toss and, after celebrating by pulling his jersey over his head and carousing around the outfield singing "We won the toss, we won the toss, eee-aye-adeeo, we won the toss; They're opening with Dar, they're opening with Dar, eee-aye-adeeo, d'ya wanna see my scar?" decided (with Skips) to bowl first. The basis of this decision was that we bat best when it is too dark to see the ball and prefer to field in the heat so that we can sweat out our hangovers.
Ali and Imran opened very tidily and the fielding looked very slick initially. Ali made an early breakthrough and the pressure was on
Mainlanders during the early part of their innings. Jinx Turner replaced Imran at the Grotmag End after 10 overs and soon lured Mainlanders into a succession of false shots. Unfortunately for Jinxie, Centaurs fielders couldn't catch ebola in the Congo or scurvy on the Mayflower. Before a chance was held Robin had dropped 2 dollies, Gopal a sitter (for which the umpires should have been replaced) and Buzz a plooper that would have lodged in the nick of his @rse if he had only turned around.
In the meantime Skips was performing very soundly with the gloves, which look much softer after being soaked in alcohol overnight.
Dicko and Lordie bowled solidly, Robin took a catch to (partially) redeem himself and, before we knew it, we were chasing a mere 317 to win. Sound familiar? Then read on..........
It was clear that Immy was seeing the ball like a double decker bus as he raced away with glorious shots to all parts. Fortunately, before Skips could anchor Centaurs to another match losing total in "couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo" style, he touched a wide one to the keeper.
Ex-Skips supported Immy for a few overs before missing a straight one on 61, just in time to pick up some beers for the inevitable commiserations. Or so you might expect............
Simon watched as Imran plundered before a mix up required Simon to fall onto his sword, run out for 2. Enter stage right Ali Rafaqat, who smacked 51 in very few balls, surviving Imran who holed out for a glorious 130. This set the stage for Gopal, Ben and Tony to scramble us home to the target, Gopal hitting a four to win off the last ball of the match. That the last ball wouldn't have been bowled at all if ex-skips had not given the previous ball wide because the bowler "looked at me in a funny way", "walked on the cracks in the wicket" and "was in possession of an offensive hat" was neither here nor there. An umpire should never change his decision, no matter how indefensible (unless it is detrimental to the Centaurs).
Centaurs score 320 (three hundred and twenty) to win. Man of the Match: Imran.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Campeones, Campeones...")
Who'd 'ave thought it? The celebrations continued long into the night. Only a hummous kebab, chips and curry sauce could muzzle my scattergun rantings and streams of (only just) consciousness and only falling asleep fully clothed on the sofa with the telly on ("DVD of Centaurs Plate victory....was this the finest plate victory ever? A Definitely B Certainly C Absolutely D Yoowot?") was at last able to silence the ravings of "Instant Idiot (just add Stella)". The bars in Knutsford Terrace can rarely have witnessed such unbridled joy (or such rancidly sweaty drinkers or such abject table football).
As has been pointed out earlier Centaurs have not won a trophy since achieving victory in the Variety Sunshine Club of Mongkok and Yaumatei Formation Disco Dancing Championships (Male Section) in 1971, a time when Keith was free to come and go from Indonesia as he pleased, Gopal's moustache, jewellery, cravatte combo was fashionable (and his jokes were young) and Dicko's parents still held out hope their son might not be a jinna. Incidentally, Keith explained to me that the reason Stefanie married him was that he could recite the German rap verse of Falco's Rock Me Amadeus ("Der war ein Superstar, der war so exultiert, usw...") and not because of his Phil Oakey ("Don't You want me, Baby?") fringe nor even his selfless batting.
The victory came through a tremendous bowling performance by Ali, Imran, Gopal and Tony and a fielding effort described by Lamma's captain (through a cloud of ganja smoke) as "very professional". Inevitably there were some fumbles, though, each followed by the predictable field changes - "Simon swap with Imran please, Bubs swap with Oges, Gopes swap with this bottle of
Bonaqua in a ParkNShop bag".
The target of 159 was reached with only a few knee-trembly moments, thanks to a swash-buckling 48 from Ali and a heroic 32 from Simon King. All other batsmen improved only modestly on the Skipper's approach which was described succinctly by Oges as "block out 10 overs for nought then get out to a truly woeful shot". Except Bubs who, for the second week in a row, hit the winning runs nervelessly over mid-off.
A tremendous turn out from the Centaurs squad, family and friends partook of the celebrations. Many thanks to the real Nick Lord, Flyin' Fletch, the Bilbo Baggins Barmy Army and the Hemshall family.
For the Record:
Victory by 3 wickets
Man of the Match: Ali
Man of the Match (Runner Up): Simon "Hero" King
Best Catch: Imran
Best Drop: Me (carried over from last week)
Not Gay: Oges
Not related to Bilbo, Frodo or any of the Bagginses: Ben Harris
Not ancient: Fletch
Best Golfer (Oral): Ben D
PS - my batting gloves have disappeared. They are "Kookaburra" with green extra padding on the right hand. They were not in my bag and had (perhaps surprisingly) not been stuffed down my throat. Anyone know if they made it to the kit bag?
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Guinness is Good For You")
Having fielded only 10 men during the afternoon, Centaurs tellingly had a full team (with the addition of Wilb) for the more serious business of going to the pub, even though they had to step over one of the customers of Club Hot Lips (who seemed to be paying his final bar fine to the mama-san in the sky) to make it into Delaneys. The gathering was dedicated to the New Year and our newest Centaur, Tabatha Cormack.
Formalities over, some decent partnerships were struck up, particularly between Hero and Guinness, and Robo and Kilkenny. Skips for once had the scoreboard ticking over nicely before being dismissed groping at one that was far too good for him. The scorebook in fact records the dismissal as "retired hurt (damaged ego after being overheard calling the barmaid "sweetheart")".
After solid foundations had been built and Oges had confirmed that, yes, New Zealand would win the cricket world cup, the Rugby world cup and the Americas cup, that Dame Kiri Te Kanawa is a robobabe, that New Zealand's football team (the socceriwis?) would have won the World Cup in Japan if it hadn't been during the lambing season and that Satan is English, the middle order collapsed. This was precipitated by a disagreement as to whether Toto's Africa is an enjoyable tune that brings back happy memories or the
lamest horsesh!t since Agadoo.
Ali ran out his early partner, Kilkenny, but built a solid partnership with Guinness. Dicko showed flashes of sort of form which has him rated Hong Kong's best verbal sportsman. Sandeep accumulated steadily and solid performances were put in from Sick Note and Rob, whilst Lordy-lad showed typical flamboyance, notwithstanding that he was, unfortunately, no longer dressed as Big Gay Al.
(PS we lost by 5 wickets in the afternoon's curtain raiser)
Lalchandani's vintage effort fails to sink Centaurs
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Help the Aged")
Gopal Lalchandani struck no blows at all but shouted much louder than you would expect from someone of his age at KCC on Saturday. Wearing dark glasses, but seemingly having misplaced his white stick and ear-trumpet, the doddery old crumbler of local cricket barely contributed to a fine win by the Centaurs. With his red neck-tie (used as a bib in case he starts dribbling) fluttering in the wind he was more Omar Shariff's Granddad than Chelsea pensioner. Moving out to drive a full toss he turned suddenly, as if realising that he had forgotten his zimmer frame, just in time to watch the bails being removed. In the field he managed to show glimpses of yesteryear for an over or two before ranting at the umpire sufficiently to provoke a sympathy decision ("There you go Granddad, here's your bus fare and Mr Sharma out LBW for 20").
Whilst ol' Uncle Gopal replayed the old triumphs his few remaining brain cells still recall, chuntering at the locals when reliving a wicket taken, a catch held, a total chased ("Take that, Fletcher!"), a mobility lift fitted, Centaurs made light work of the Tartars. A scintillating 32 from Dicko gave the 'Taurs a dream start, ably supported by Skips with 39. Chaps made a scything 38 before being run out by Ex-Skips. Ali struck a blow or two before Keith Frith (with a note from his Mum confirming he was fit to play) destroyed the bowling for 30 odd not out. Meanwhile ex-Skips pattacaked a 50.
Great bowling from Ali, Jeff, Keith, Gopes and Will and some keen fielding saw us home with the highlights being the best caught and bowled you'll ever see from Keith, and explosive appealing from Jeff and Gopes to dismiss 2 of Tartars' more dangerous batsmen. Dropped catches from Ben, Ex-Skips, Sandeep and Rob and run-outs from Sandeep and Sicknote completed a glorious day out for all the family (especially Granddad).
Centaurs V St Georges (Sat 20 Jan 2001)
Centaurs Cricket Club (Biff Bash Bosh )
Centaurs finished the league season in a blaze of glory with a fine victory in an entertaining runfest at Mission Road. With the advantage of not having to carry the Skipper (rushed to hospital for emergency genitalia reductive surgery), Centaurs scored their highest total of the season to win by an impresive 8 wickets with an over to spare. Fortunately I didn't miss the game, since the HK Sanitorium's Cable TV Network featured ball-by-ball coverage from Mission Road, summarised below.
Keith lost the toss and Centaurs bowled and fielded with the usual mixture of the amusing, the ridiculous and the not-bad-at-all. Simon and Tony opened the bowling and Simon copped some pretty harsh treatment. Tony bowled 10 overs of tidy away-swing, Gopes the usual 10 tight overs of accurate off-spin. Anuj bowled 3 good overs to compensate for a spell behind the stumps which brought to mind an Italian traffic policeman in the Roman rush hour. Farouq, brought into the action a little later than normal, bowled very effectively. Fletch bowled well but suffered from the usual "run away, bravely" approach from the Centaurs out-housers (that's out-fielders, Ed).
Sam "I held onto one in 1998, honestly" Davies spilled his 3rd, 4th and 5th dollies of the season. His previous spills have been due exclusively to the dim light of the early evening. This time it was clearly too bright for catching. We're looking forward to the Saturday when the meteorological circumstances conspire "A Perfect Storm"- like to produce conditions in which the ball lodges in the folds in Sam's clothing or in the nick of his arse, rather than spilling lamely onto the grass in front of him. Meanwhile Simon made up for his prolific spell with the ball by taking 3 catches in the outfield.
Chasing a mammoth 250-odd, Centaurs made a steady start with Simon and Keith adding 75 for the first wicket at about 4 or 5 an over. Simon was dismissed for 33 to free the way for Sam to give a batting masterclass, scoring an effortless and almost chanceless 127 not out to win the game with an over to spare. Support came from Oges with 20-odd and Keith with 60-odd. Centaurs' first century for 2 seasons, and rather surprisingly, Sam's maiden century, apparently. I am sure there are plenty more where that came from. Great finish to the league season and promising augury for the Cup.
Man of the Match: Sam
Clubmen of the Week: Gopes and Tony for picking up the kit on Friday night, when Skipper realised that he was in hospital at short notice for schlong reduction.
Next game will be in the cup - details to follow.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Another time perhaps")
What? Play cricket over the Christmas weekend? The Centaurs made sure that there was very little that might be recognised as cricket in another performance to be stored in the file marked "Comedy".
Putting a team together was far from easy. We were helped out at the last minute by my wife, Janet, and my sister in law, Alice, who, agreed to make their Centaurs debut when Saturday turned out nice and they realised how desperate things were. (No gags about Janet finding desperation difficult to resist, please, Ed.). Since it was Janet's debut and this computer is hers, I have let her write the match report, reproduced below:
"As the smug old silver haired chap in the cream blazer says on Steve's tedious cricket vidos, "It was a great day for cricket". What I think he means to say is "it's hot and bright, if you're tuned in rather than at the beach or the pool, you must be a sad spotter statto character, so welcome to the 1st day's play at the Oval to all the speccy anoracked wigginses out there". Anyway, lovely bright day and Alice looked lithe and leggy in here borrowed white outfit. The white cap worn at a jaunty angle offset the cheekily non-conformist grey trainers. The shirt worn outside the trousers added a tom-boy air to an ensemble which mized equal measures of sportiness and smartness, confidence and sex-appeal.
Simon proved that if you have big feet you shouldn't wear white shoes, but his "cowboy-style" hat conjured images of John Wayne and Westerns. Most importantly, he only batted until his wife and baby arrived, which makes him a candidate for this week's Most Sensitive Centaur Award.
Anand looked very athletic and imposing dashing in to bowl and cleverly kept the ball wide so that the batsmen could not reach it. Nick preferred to bowl closer to the batsman and generated great pace off the bat. The Centaurs fielders seemed to scatter skilfully away from the ball whenever it went in the air. HKU clearly don't practise enough, since when they fielded they allowed the ball to come close to them, sometimes even catching it before it had a chance to bounce or hit the netting around the grass area.
Mr Gopal looked very suave and debonair - he reminded me of a sort of Omar Shariff meets Noel Coward. He didn't seem happy when Nick said he was out, though. I suppose this was because his wife and children had not arrived yet.
I wasn't sure why Rajesh was wearing grey elasticated trousers when he first arrived. But it soon became clear that he had to wear sports trousers because he was the only Centaurs player who was allowed to stop the ball first time and sometimes that meant getting dirty.
That nice Mr Gearing gave me some fielding tips, including "Try to catch the ball if it comes to you without bouncing". He did not have time to tell me about palming the ball up over the boundary, but fortunately was able to show me how to do that later on.
Neil also favoured the John Wayne look and staged a late entrance to make sure everyone noticed him (a trick every girl uses when she's wearing her favourite party frock). He also mentioned that Alice and I throw the ball as far as Banksie, which we thought was encouraging. Steve later explained that he was being rude.
Eddie also made a bid for the Most Sensitive Centaur Award by batting until the end of the game so that Alice and I didn't have to put those sweaty legpads on.
HKU didn't look nearly as attractive as Centaurs, so I presume Centaurs "chalked up another victory" as I have heard Steve say (once).
And the Most Sensitive Centaur Award goes to: Nick for sending Mr Gopal back to the shade of the pavillion when he looked a little sweaty whilst batting.
Editor's Note: HKU made about 270 for 6. Centaurs made about 140 for 7.
Eddie Naylor and Matt Gearing batted well. Gopes bowled well. Neil hit a 6.
Rajesh fielded well. Simon and Anand bowled all right. Err, that's it.
Next game: Sat 13 January v Mainlanders at DBS. Who's available? Alice has
gone back to Chicago and Janet is on a shopping trip in Shenzhen (presumably
with Simon), so we might be short.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("If at first you don't succeed, doctor the score-book")
In a coincidence that borders on the bizarre, both England and the Centaurs won games within 48 hours of each other. Nasser Hussein, speaking to Michael Henderspoon of the Daily Telecrap shortly after his team's historic win, said: "We knew once we saw the Centaurs roll over DBS under 7s that we could dismiss Pakistan cheaply. And when it came to our knock over the weekend we borrowed a few tricks from Graeme Fletcher, who we have always thought had an old head on old shoulders. So before Athers went out to make his match-winning, epic,r earguard century, he threw himself down the steps of the pavilion, hitting 9 of 12 steps before landing on his sternum on the
corner of the scorebox roof and slumping down like a felled heifer into the gutter in front of the pavilion. Athers and I discussed this approach and we both felt that if it was good enough preparation for Fletch, it was good enough for the England top-order batsmen. Sure enough, as it worked for Mr Fletcher, so it worked for Mike. Athers said he felt strangely calm at the crease and that no in-swinging toe cracker from Waqar could possibly be as alarming as bungy-jumping without a bungy. The boys are really chuffed with this result and are looking forward to a well-earned rest before we take on HKU (Err, shurely that's Sri Lanka, Ed)".
A catalogue of errors could not stop the Centaurs Circus (You mean "Bandwagon", Ed.) from rolling on. Eric Morecombe would have been proud of the comedy moments which started with the Skipper forgetting the kit, Justin turning up at 2pm because he thought that might be when the game starts, Ben turning up at 3pm because he'd had a sniff of the barmaid's apron the night before, Skipper losing count in the scorebook by about 10 runs (not material) and Fletch doing a triple-salko, double-toe-loop, back-somersault tumbling routine with a degree of difficulty of 9.9 down the pavilion steps. And all that took place off the pitch.
On the pitch, Farouq smashed 26 in 4 overs, opening the batting because he asked the Skipper nicely. Keith faced his old arch-nemesis (Anuj) and lost the fight again, given out in the now traditional highly questionable circumstances. Next time Keith is hit on the leg whilst Anuj is umpiring, I suggest he should walk.
Skips played the pull shot. Having forgotten how to play it for a brief period earlier in the season, his memory returned and he managed to find the middle of the top-edge and loop it precisely into the hands of mid-wicket who had been placed there the ball before. Didn't have to move; inch-perfect.
Andy O, the man in-season (shurely that's in-form, Ed?) played some nice shots before being well-caught at slip. Anand and Andy O went for a suicidal single to leave Anand stranded. Buzz and Neil, both on their debuts, played some good shots and put up much-needed resistance to halt the collapse. Justin did likewise before his concentration was broken by Fletch being shot out of a cannon in front of the pavilion.
The most valuable contributions came from Ben, Anuj and Flyin' Fletch who all looked solid in scoring much-needed runs for the last couple of wickets. Eddie the Eagle was left not-out for the eleventy-seventh time in Centaurs' 98-year history, when Anuj lobbed up a pull-shot that reminded me of something I can't quite put my finger on. Before that Anuj had smashed his first six since he hit a ball from Plooper Parpington-Schmartington over the bike-sheds to snatch victory for Just William house against Jennings house
in the Tom-Brown's-Schooldays-crumpets-for-tea-straw-boater-full-sub-fusc-buggar-me-in-the-junior-parlour-after-prep-challenge (last week).
Anyway, the winning target was spread between 3 and 1,717, depending on how many of Skipper's errors in the score-book were corrected. 143 seemed plausible, so we plumped for that. Centaurs got off to the best possible start, with aw icket off the 1st ball of the innings. Caught in the gully by Centaurs' stuntman off a beauty (well, it was not a wide) from Farouq.
A good spell from Anuj and Ben, some very helpful umpiring decisions from some bullied schoolboys, some comedy drops (particularly from Ben and Oges) and a good catch from Buzz later and Centaurs had won another. One defeat in 5g ames, 3 wins and a tie, the stats speak for themselves. Not sure we really deserved this one, but look in the book (once we've amended it).
Man of the Match: Mr Farouq - 3 for and a dashing 26.
Champagne Mo: Clarkey's meal not turning up at all at Cubana and the waiters and manager not giving a sh!t.
Jolly Shandy Mo: Oges drop (and subsequent hospital visit).
Clubman of the Week: Clarkey for 12th manning, running Feet-for-Hands to the hospital and not being grumpy about his food and beer not turningu p.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Another time perhaps")
What? Play cricket over the Christmas weekend? The Centaurs made sure that there was very little that might be recognised as cricket in another performance to be stored in the file marked "Comedy".
Putting a team together was far from easy. We were helped out at the last minute by my wife, Janet, and my sister in law, Alice, who, agreed to make their Centaurs debut when Saturday turned out nice and they realised how desperate things were. (No gags about Janet finding desperation difficult to resist, please, Ed.). Since it was Janet's debut and this computer is hers, I have let her write the match report, reproduced below:
"As the smug old silver haired chap in the cream blazer says on Steve's tedious cricket videos, "It was a great day for cricket". What I think he means to say is "it's hot and bright, if you're tuned in rather than at the beach or the pool, you must be a sad spotter statto character, so welcome to the 1st day's play at the Oval to all the speccy anoracked wigginses out there". Anyway, lovely bright day and Alice looked lithe and leggy in here borrowed white outfit. The white cap worn at a jaunty angle offset the cheekily non-conformist grey trainers. The shirt worn outside the trousers added a tom-boy air to an ensemble which mized equal measures of sportiness and smartness, confidence and sex-appeal.
Simon proved that if you have big feet you shouldn't wear white shoes, but his "cowboy-style" hat conjured images of John Wayne and Westerns. Most importantly, he only batted until his wife and baby arrived, which makes him a candidate for this week's Most Sensitive Centaur Award.
Anand looked very athletic and imposing dashing in to bowl and cleverly kept the ball wide so that the batsmen could not reach it. Nick preferred to bowl closer to the batsman and generated great pace off the bat. The Centaurs fielders seemed to scatter skilfully away from the ball whenever it went in the air. HKU clearly don't practise enough, since when they fielded they allowed the ball to come close to them, sometimes even catching it before it had a chance to bounce or hit the netting around the grass area.
Mr Gopal looked very suave and debonair - he reminded me of a sort of Omar Shariff meets Noel Coward. He didn't seem happy when Nick said he was out, though. I suppose this was because his wife and children had not arrived yet.
I wasn't sure why Rajesh was wearing grey elasticated trousers when he first arrived. But it soon became clear that he had to wear sports trousers because he was the only Centaurs player who was allowed to stop the ball first time and sometimes that meant getting dirty.
That nice Mr Gearing gave me some fielding tips, including "Try to catch the ball if it comes to you without bouncing". He did not have time to tell me about palming the ball up over the boundary, but fortunately was able to show me how to do that later on.
Neil also favoured the John Wayne look and staged a late entrance to make sure everyone noticed him (a trick every girl uses when she's wearing her favourite party frock). He also mentioned that Alice and I throw the ball as far as Banksie, which we thought was encouraging. Steve later explained that he was being rude.
Eddie also made a bid for the Most Sensitive Centaur Award by batting until the end of the game so that Alice and I didn't have to put those sweaty legpads on.
HKU didn't look nearly as attractive as Centaurs, so I presume Centaurs "chalked up another victory" as I have heard Steve say (once).
And the Most Sensitive Centaur Award goes to: Nick for sending Mr Gopal back to the shade of the pavillion when he looked a little sweaty whilst batting.
Editor's Note: HKU made about 270 for 6. Centaurs made about 140 for 7.
Eddie Naylor and Matt Gearing batted well. Gopes bowled well. Neil hit a 6.
Rajesh fielded well. Simon and Anand bowled all right. Err, that's it.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("What a glorrrrrrious feeling, I'm ha-ha-happy again - Not")
In weather that would have suited sheep dog trials, gaelic football, Doctor Foster's trip to Gloucester, or an all-day drinking session, Centaurs' bowling attack leaked runs even faster than it leaked leaks. This was the game that should never have been allowed to happen, like Elton John's first marriage, or Britain's latest fashion craze for the ample girl, the muffin top.
Still, Witherers' skipper, apparently a strict adherent to the Dwayne Leverock diet, drooling at the thought of the Centaurs' bowling buffet's Mrs Miggins Selection, insisted the game was going ahead even if he had to reach the wicket in Fred Flintoff's upturned pedalo. Sure enough, at the sound of the dinner gong Witherers' good batsman tucked in like Fred Flintstone at a dinosaur roast. The runs conceded from the first over are still being counted. In brief, 34 overs in horizontal rain yielded 340 runs, including a double century for Witherer's good batsman and a century for mini-Dwayne, despite the twin handicaps of having only 2 shots (the squirt to third man and the shovel to leg) and being too podgy to run. The lowlights were 5 dropped catches in an 8-ball period, 3 of them by your correspondent, who squirted the first chance with water from his spinning bow-tie, threw a bucket of tinsel over the second, and ran the third over in his exploding car. Next time I get a phone call at 12.40 asking if I can play, I'll remember to say I'm already commited to doing something more enjoyable like root canal surgery or being the soup of the day at Hannibal Lecter's new theme bistro "You Are What You Eat". The highlight was that after 34 overs we were allowed to stop.
(If I wasn't so traumatised I'd also mention some good bowling from Merlin and Neel, some good ground fielding from Harpo and both Bens, a catch for Skips and a comedy celebration by Sibs when the second wicket fell ("Yeeeeerrrrrrs! 270 for 2 off 20 overs!! - whole new complexion on the game!!! - lets not take our foot off their throat Centaurs!!!! Who's next with the amyl nitrate?")).
Redemption came in the form of a batting performance featuring 70-odd for Chandrin, 60-odd for Hemmers, 50 for Dicko and 40-0dd for Sibs, amounting to a season's high total of 270-odd. Most pleasing of all was that Witherers seemed to enjoy fielding about as much as a man with haemorroids enjoys a bumpy bus ride.
Witherers' good batsman also took 4 wickets (admittedly with ploopy dobbers and some truly laughable attempts to contest the league-appointed umipre's no-ball and wide calls - been watching too much of cricket's poutiest international captain). Apparently Witherers' good player was going to play for Centaurs until he met Dicko.
Crap Bumblers next week at the Crem. As D:Ream rightly said, "Things .... Can Only Get Better. Can Only Get Better".
Can't they?
Ex-Ex-Ex-Skips
Centaurs Cricket Club ("We are Zen. We are cricket. We are the ball. We are love")
The New Year kicked off with the annual match up between the permanently hungover and the constatntly stoned at Mission Road on Saturday, and true to our collective New Year's resolution, Centaurs took the field with 11 players for the very first ball. Whether the fact that we had 11 players in place on time was connected to the fact that Scholesy wasn't playing and so the ritual pre-match tour of the tunnels of Kowloon in a soft top car and gas mask could be dispensed with we will never know.
In a canny ploy to prevent the vile Australians in the team crowing too loudly about recent alleged cricket results in a nuclear testing ground near the planet's rectum, Mr S Note created a diversion by announcing his engagement. Mr Note obviously thought this deal - a lifetime's wedlock for a crow-free 10 minutes - a fair one, which puts the suffering he must have endured in the Lucky Landfill over Christmas in perspective. Congratulations, Frithy, but remember - a wife is for life, not just for Christmas. The number of discarded, unwanted and unloved wives always mushrooms about this time of year exacerbating a raft of social problems including fouling of streets, biting of postmen, harassing of cats (err that's enough on discarded wives for now, thanks, Ed....).
The 'Taurs won the toss and, controversially, chose to field first. A laminated , colour-coded chart found on the dressing room floor, or stolen, or handed out free with the match-day programme suggested that this was because so far this season we keep winning the toss, batting and getting rolled like a doobey. It's the resolution to harness such innovative thinking that will make the 2007 Centaurs so much more resolute than the irresolute team of 2006 which so lacked resolve (except in sachet-form).
Neel, the Centaurs' smiling assassin, was more deadly (and smilier) than ever, having Hussain Butt neatly caught by Mark D almost immediately, exposing the Lamma tail. Mr Butt might have made a double hundred against UAE for Hong Kong, but he couldn't manage double figures against the Colombo Killer and Will "Wheels" Kinder, the janitor of the corridor of uncertainty.
Skips, displaying the uncluttered thought that is the hallmark of the Zen cricketer in the New Year, bowled his 2 openers straight through, then turned to Monty Molloy and Chand the Man, who between them borrowed the janitors' bucket from Wheels and mopped up the last 9 members of the tail. Merlin took 5 for 30 odd, Chandrin 2 for, Wheels 1 for and the Assassin 1 for. Only one catch dropped, one ignored, and some good takes from Neel, Skips and Sick Note.
The target was 148. Chandrin and Richard C, looking every inch the Future England Captain in his sleeveless light blue jumper, seemed set to haul it in on their own until a top edged pull from Chandrin was safely caught. This brought Skips to join Athers. A partnership which would make the grass growing look like Cirque du Soleil ended when Hemmers was caught playing the injudicious waft that he has taken years to perfect. This brought ex-ex-Skips to the wicket for an innings which could not have been more cameo if he'd worn his box on the outside in a gold lamay posing pouch. Meanwhile, Roebuck was LBW, the newly affianced was caught behind, and the game was, if not down the pan, then certainly in the cubicle undoing its belt.
Fighting to keep the cubicle door open and the team's trollies up, Neel (still smiling) struck some lusty blows and Wheels struck even more. Both perished to make room for an even briefer cameo by Royce (although, thankfully wearing neither gold pouch nor, surprisingly, the trademark all in one ballerina's suit and codpiece combo - Nijinsky by Gray Nicholls). This left Brenton and Mark at the crease (after Merlin was halfway to the middle but called back by his skipper - "just not your time, Merlin" drawled our spiritual leader) with the required rate up to 6 an over, then 9 from the last over, which may not be turtle's head, but is probably cubicle door locked, loo seat cover on, pants down, teeth gritted. Some ragged flailing by Mark and Brenton and a dropped catch (by Hussain BUTTer fingers - honk - expect to see his Hong Kong cap being proudly worn by Geoff Boycott's cat shortly - don't tell him I said that) left 6 required from 2 balls from the Ganjan's canny old leggy. But pressure does funny things to people, even aged, dope addled leggies, and the first was a full toss on leg stump which Brenton calmly despatched for 4 through deep mid wicket (which was very kindly left unprotected by Mr D Fiend, the Lamma skipper). So 2 to win off the last ball, and Brenton clipped it casually through cover for Mark and Brenton to scamper the winning runs. What fun.
So a new year, new momentum, new vigour, new winning ways, new shiny wheels, new wedding plans and lots of other new stuff, but no old stuff like losing, cynicism, bowling wides, giving your wicket away, turning up late, not concentrating or sledging your own team mates. Well, not much anyway.
Cheers
Brams
MVP: Will "Wheels" Kinder
Saturdays' Festivities (both this and last)
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Cent Annae Shambolicae")
The team for the centenary fixture at HKCC is unchanged from last week. It starts at 1.15pm at HKCC.
Afterwards there will be drinks, a dinner and "discotheque" at HKCC to celebrate 100 years since the first game between Centaurs and Craigengower, which was also the first league cricket match ever played in Hong Kong. The cost is believed to be HK$400 per head, which is believed to cover food, drink and the fees for Purple Ronnie's Road Show (or something like that). The dress code is believed to be black tie (or as smart as possible). Drinks are believed to start at 7pm and dinner around 8pm. Of course the afternoon's cricket match should finish at around 6pm and the more Centaurs' supporters for that the merrier. Each of the details above will be confirmed as soon as Gopal can confirm with CCC's captain.
Since it is our centenary, it would obviously be fitting if we could have a good turn-out for the evening do. The prospect of witnessing Imran's much anticipated season's debut on the dance floor is sure to put plenty of bum's on seats. Gopal tells me he has 15 guests coming and I have at least 8. Please let me know (with a copy to Gopal: zimon@netvigator.com) as soon as possible who else would like to come and the names of any guests.
Last Saturday's game packed a season's worth of incident into 70 overs. Centaurs' 4th tie in 3 years, this one had it all.
Uncle Gopes, arriving customarily late no doubt after packing a life-time of crises and phone calls into a 40 minute car journey, lost the toss and we were condemned to field first in scorching heat. Uncle, practising the mind games and inflicting the mental disintegration that have become such an integral part of sport at this exalted level, replied inscrutably to Kai Tak's captain that we would have fielded anyway. As Kai Tak's players reached for the sun-loungers, chilled soft drinks and sports pages, and ours (once they eventually arrived) reached for the sun-cream and salt tablets, my suspicion is that Kai Tak's captain might not have been entirely convinced.
Our bowling was generally inaccurate, but not truly woeful, and one of Kai Tak's openers made 74 off the edge and 6 off the middle. The normal handful of catches went down, including remarkably one (maybe 2) from the normally immaculate Zinedine Zidane look-alike (and on Saturday Phil Tuffnell catch-alike) Immy. Debutant Shane put one down as well, but it can't be easy to send text messages to strippers, take diet pills and take catches at mid-wicket all at the same time.
Uncle had an LBW decison turned down. Adopting another mental disintegration technique learned from Nasser Hussein's triumphant performance against South Africa this summer, Uncle pretended to forget the umpire's name. Again this piece of psychological one-upmanship was limited in its success, its effectiveness undermined by the improbability of the umpire's parents naming their son "F*****g Cheating C**t". (Editor's note: his name was in fact "F*****g Blind C**t").
Anyway after lots of swishing by Kai Tak batsmen and some whirling away by Centaurs bowlers, Kai Tak made 239 for 8. Andy Dartnell, Yasir and Ali each took a good catch and Immy took 3 wickets. Ali took 2 with his last 2 balls (and is therefore on a hat trick on Saturday). Not much else to report although I might be confused over a catcher or 2.
Centaurs raced off to a fabulous start with Immy smiting a whirlwind 60 odd and Keith a more sedate, but still dashing, 70. Other than some great pick up shots over square leg, Ex-Skips' knock was most notable for the addition of another condition to Centaurs' Unconditional Walking Policy. This started as a simple policy, namely if you've edged one behind and are caught you must walk. The Chapman proviso was added last season so that the policy now only applies if you are sure that the umpire will give you out ("Why didn't you walk, Chappers?" "Because I thought the umpire might not give me!"). Proviso 2 (the "Hemshall proviso") must now also be included so that the policy does not apply if you're 47 not out and batting beautifully. To clarify a matter which is becoming somewhat murky, the Unconditional Walking Policy may need to be re-stated thus; "If you middle one to cover or are clean bowled you must walk unless you think the bowler might have overstepped or you weren't quite ready or perhaps no one was looking".
Anyway as a result of great knocks from both openers, a quickfire 20 from Darters, a streaky 30 from ExEx Skips and a 20-odd from Yasir the requirement was 7 from the last 2 overs. Some injudicious shots and truly clueless running reduced this to 3 off the last ball with 9 wickets down. Cometh the hour, cometh Nick Lord. Pummelling the ball to deep mid wicket, he and Chandrin cantered 2 runs, levelling the scores and tying the match.
Festive.
Men of the Match: Immy and Keith
Champagne Moment: Lordy's lofted drive over mid wicket
Here, for the price of one, 5 match reports.
Barely 3 weeks into the new season and already we have played 5 games, found 6 new players (of whom 1 is missing, presumed lost in the long grass at extra cover at PTS, stuck down a crevasse at KGV or arrested for loitering at KCC after dark). We have selected a total of 37 players (and then de-selected 35 of them because we got a better offer). We have seen 2 minor injuries, 11 ducks, 23 missed chances (all the wicket-keeper's fault) and a 14 ball "circus over" by Ben from the Farouq end at Royal Hong Kong Cricket Club. We have scored 750 runs, taken 34 wickets and held 21 catches. We have taken the field with less than 11 players 5 times. We have consumed 2 bags of hula-hoops, 109 bananas and one warm can of lager (which the Skipper guzzled to himself). We have not seen Richard Nuttall and therefore have not set him on fire once, not even a little bit. We have seen Tony Turner's all-weather tanned torso 24 times in one afternoon. And Fletch has had 719 conversations, only one of which pertained to events occurring after 1974. That's the statistics out of the way. They are, by the way all accurate. Look in the book (if we ever find it).
Centaurs v CCC @ KGV Meadows 15 Sept 2001
The first lost toss of the new regime saw the Centaurs take the field with 10 men, not because of the usual "Sorry Skips I couldn't be arsed to get here on time", but because no one could calculate the sum of those available and selected minus those selected and then told they were dropped minus those who were selected and then dropped out. The 10 looked great, however, in new shirts and caps provided by our corporate sponsors, ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). By the time we realised we were one short, Ali, Ben and Gopal had CCC under severe pressure. From 60 for 3 at drinks, CCC made it to 180 for 5. Ben got 4 bowling with rhythm and swing, Ali and Gopes at least 1 each. Ali had Mark Eames trapped leg before - a big wicket with which to celebrate your debut, even if it did pitch a foot outside leg
stump.
Our batting was woeful. We were all out for 85 with the only resistance coming from Gopal and Tony who both made 20-odd. On the bright side, this meant we could each get home early to play with our ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!).
Centaurs v Police @ PTS Pastures 22 Sept 2001
Skips convinced himself and the rest of us that this game was not going to take place and, frankly, it would have been better for us all if it had not. The pitch was poor, our performance was poor and there were not even any ZINNOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). Lost by about 60 runs. Oh well. The game did at least feature Fletch opening the bowling, a good knock from Chandra on his debut and the dropped catch of the season from the wicket-stopper. It also featured good catching by Skips, whose fielding so far this season is new and improved.
Centaurs v Nomads @ Royal Hong Kong Cricket Club 29 Sept 2001
What a start! With the first ball of the day Tony Turner bowled the Nomads opener, who looked like he had eaten one too many ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!). This started a beautiful spell of away swing bowling which resulted in 3 wickets and problems for the Nomads. These were short-lived, however, and they ended up with 220 or so. We got 175 and a full complement of batting points with runs from Mr Gopal, Simon Clitheroe (on his Centaurs debut), Simon King and some other people, I suspect. Very pleasant BBQ and beers afterwards. Them woz the days!
Centaurs v Gap Ramblers Cricket Club (Founded: 1983. Trounced by Centaurs: 2001) @ RHKCC 2 October 2001
Centaurs win by about 12 runs. Ex-skips features in a director's cut feature length re-make of "The Worst Innings of All Time", featuring John
Banks. Ali, Gopal, Trevor and Tony bowl very well to counteract Ben's studio re-make of "The Worst Over of All Time" featuring Mr Farouq. Let's hope this is not going to be a series. Gap Ramblers skipper throws his ZINOKI TOYS (Buy one while stocks last!) out of the pram. Skips and Nick Lord outstanding in the field. Trevor bats well on his
debut.
Centaurs v Lamma @ KGV Spinney 6 October 2001
We lost. They were quite good. Trevor Warburton umpired very well indeed. Eddie made his debut and looked very lively in the field. Chandra looked full of confidence with the bat. We were one player short until Skips senior kindly volunteered to field for us. There was no beer. There was no beer. At least we could all go home and play with our (That's enough from our corporate sponsor, Ed.).
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Wembley, Wembley")
Inspired by Nathan Astle, Graham Thorpe and Jo Jo the Juggler from Jongleurs comedy club, Centaurs and Mainlanders produced the most
entertaining runfest Kowloon has witnessed since last weekend.
Uncle Gopal won the toss and, after celebrating by pulling his jersey over his head and carousing around the outfield singing "We won the toss, we won the toss, eee-aye-adeeo, we won the toss; They're opening with Dar, they're opening with Dar, eee-aye-adeeo, d'ya wanna see my scar?" decided (with Skips) to bowl first. The basis of this decision was that we bat best when it is too dark to see the ball and prefer to field in the heat so that we can sweat out our hangovers.
Ali and Imran opened very tidily and the fielding looked very slick initially. Ali made an early breakthrough and the pressure was on
Mainlanders during the early part of their innings. Jinx Turner replaced Imran at the Grotmag End after 10 overs and soon lured Mainlanders into a succession of false shots. Unfortunately for Jinxie, Centaurs fielders couldn't catch ebola in the Congo or scurvy on the Mayflower. Before a chance was held Robin had dropped 2 dollies, Gopal a sitter (for which the umpires should have been replaced) and Buzz a plooper that would have lodged in the nick of his @rse if he had only turned around.
In the meantime Skips was performing very soundly with the gloves, which look much softer after being soaked in alcohol overnight.
Dicko and Lordie bowled solidly, Robin took a catch to (partially) redeem himself and, before we knew it, we were chasing a mere 317 to win. Sound familiar? Then read on..........
It was clear that Immy was seeing the ball like a double decker bus as he raced away with glorious shots to all parts. Fortunately, before Skips could anchor Centaurs to another match losing total in "couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo" style, he touched a wide one to the keeper.
Ex-Skips supported Immy for a few overs before missing a straight one on 61, just in time to pick up some beers for the inevitable commiserations. Or so you might expect............
Simon watched as Imran plundered before a mix up required Simon to fall onto his sword, run out for 2. Enter stage right Ali Rafaqat, who smacked 51 in very few balls, surviving Imran who holed out for a glorious 130. This set the stage for Gopal, Ben and Tony to scramble us home to the target, Gopal hitting a four to win off the last ball of the match. That the last ball wouldn't have been bowled at all if ex-skips had not given the previous ball wide because the bowler "looked at me in a funny way", "walked on the cracks in the wicket" and "was in possession of an offensive hat" was neither here nor there. An umpire should never change his decision, no matter how indefensible (unless it is detrimental to the Centaurs).
Centaurs score 320 (three hundred and twenty) to win. Man of the Match: Imran.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Campeones, Campeones...")
Who'd 'ave thought it? The celebrations continued long into the night. Only a hummous kebab, chips and curry sauce could muzzle my scattergun rantings and streams of (only just) consciousness and only falling asleep fully clothed on the sofa with the telly on ("DVD of Centaurs Plate victory....was this the finest plate victory ever? A Definitely B Certainly C Absolutely D Yoowot?") was at last able to silence the ravings of "Instant Idiot (just add Stella)". The bars in Knutsford Terrace can rarely have witnessed such unbridled joy (or such rancidly sweaty drinkers or such abject table football).
As has been pointed out earlier Centaurs have not won a trophy since achieving victory in the Variety Sunshine Club of Mongkok and Yaumatei Formation Disco Dancing Championships (Male Section) in 1971, a time when Keith was free to come and go from Indonesia as he pleased, Gopal's moustache, jewellery, cravatte combo was fashionable (and his jokes were young) and Dicko's parents still held out hope their son might not be a jinna. Incidentally, Keith explained to me that the reason Stefanie married him was that he could recite the German rap verse of Falco's Rock Me Amadeus ("Der war ein Superstar, der war so exultiert, usw...") and not because of his Phil Oakey ("Don't You want me, Baby?") fringe nor even his selfless batting.
The victory came through a tremendous bowling performance by Ali, Imran, Gopal and Tony and a fielding effort described by Lamma's captain (through a cloud of ganja smoke) as "very professional". Inevitably there were some fumbles, though, each followed by the predictable field changes - "Simon swap with Imran please, Bubs swap with Oges, Gopes swap with this bottle of
Bonaqua in a ParkNShop bag".
The target of 159 was reached with only a few knee-trembly moments, thanks to a swash-buckling 48 from Ali and a heroic 32 from Simon King. All other batsmen improved only modestly on the Skipper's approach which was described succinctly by Oges as "block out 10 overs for nought then get out to a truly woeful shot". Except Bubs who, for the second week in a row, hit the winning runs nervelessly over mid-off.
A tremendous turn out from the Centaurs squad, family and friends partook of the celebrations. Many thanks to the real Nick Lord, Flyin' Fletch, the Bilbo Baggins Barmy Army and the Hemshall family.
For the Record:
Victory by 3 wickets
Man of the Match: Ali
Man of the Match (Runner Up): Simon "Hero" King
Best Catch: Imran
Best Drop: Me (carried over from last week)
Not Gay: Oges
Not related to Bilbo, Frodo or any of the Bagginses: Ben Harris
Not ancient: Fletch
Best Golfer (Oral): Ben D
PS - my batting gloves have disappeared. They are "Kookaburra" with green extra padding on the right hand. They were not in my bag and had (perhaps surprisingly) not been stuffed down my throat. Anyone know if they made it to the kit bag?
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Guinness is Good For You")
Having fielded only 10 men during the afternoon, Centaurs tellingly had a full team (with the addition of Wilb) for the more serious business of going to the pub, even though they had to step over one of the customers of Club Hot Lips (who seemed to be paying his final bar fine to the mama-san in the sky) to make it into Delaneys. The gathering was dedicated to the New Year and our newest Centaur, Tabatha Cormack.
Formalities over, some decent partnerships were struck up, particularly between Hero and Guinness, and Robo and Kilkenny. Skips for once had the scoreboard ticking over nicely before being dismissed groping at one that was far too good for him. The scorebook in fact records the dismissal as "retired hurt (damaged ego after being overheard calling the barmaid "sweetheart")".
After solid foundations had been built and Oges had confirmed that, yes, New Zealand would win the cricket world cup, the Rugby world cup and the Americas cup, that Dame Kiri Te Kanawa is a robobabe, that New Zealand's football team (the socceriwis?) would have won the World Cup in Japan if it hadn't been during the lambing season and that Satan is English, the middle order collapsed. This was precipitated by a disagreement as to whether Toto's Africa is an enjoyable tune that brings back happy memories or the
lamest horsesh!t since Agadoo.
Ali ran out his early partner, Kilkenny, but built a solid partnership with Guinness. Dicko showed flashes of sort of form which has him rated Hong Kong's best verbal sportsman. Sandeep accumulated steadily and solid performances were put in from Sick Note and Rob, whilst Lordy-lad showed typical flamboyance, notwithstanding that he was, unfortunately, no longer dressed as Big Gay Al.
(PS we lost by 5 wickets in the afternoon's curtain raiser)
Lalchandani's vintage effort fails to sink Centaurs
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Help the Aged")
Gopal Lalchandani struck no blows at all but shouted much louder than you would expect from someone of his age at KCC on Saturday. Wearing dark glasses, but seemingly having misplaced his white stick and ear-trumpet, the doddery old crumbler of local cricket barely contributed to a fine win by the Centaurs. With his red neck-tie (used as a bib in case he starts dribbling) fluttering in the wind he was more Omar Shariff's Granddad than Chelsea pensioner. Moving out to drive a full toss he turned suddenly, as if realising that he had forgotten his zimmer frame, just in time to watch the bails being removed. In the field he managed to show glimpses of yesteryear for an over or two before ranting at the umpire sufficiently to provoke a sympathy decision ("There you go Granddad, here's your bus fare and Mr Sharma out LBW for 20").
Whilst ol' Uncle Gopal replayed the old triumphs his few remaining brain cells still recall, chuntering at the locals when reliving a wicket taken, a catch held, a total chased ("Take that, Fletcher!"), a mobility lift fitted, Centaurs made light work of the Tartars. A scintillating 32 from Dicko gave the 'Taurs a dream start, ably supported by Skips with 39. Chaps made a scything 38 before being run out by Ex-Skips. Ali struck a blow or two before Keith Frith (with a note from his Mum confirming he was fit to play) destroyed the bowling for 30 odd not out. Meanwhile ex-Skips pattacaked a 50.
Great bowling from Ali, Jeff, Keith, Gopes and Will and some keen fielding saw us home with the highlights being the best caught and bowled you'll ever see from Keith, and explosive appealing from Jeff and Gopes to dismiss 2 of Tartars' more dangerous batsmen. Dropped catches from Ben, Ex-Skips, Sandeep and Rob and run-outs from Sandeep and Sicknote completed a glorious day out for all the family (especially Granddad).
Centaurs V St Georges (Sat 20 Jan 2001)
Centaurs Cricket Club (Biff Bash Bosh )
Centaurs finished the league season in a blaze of glory with a fine victory in an entertaining runfest at Mission Road. With the advantage of not having to carry the Skipper (rushed to hospital for emergency genitalia reductive surgery), Centaurs scored their highest total of the season to win by an impresive 8 wickets with an over to spare. Fortunately I didn't miss the game, since the HK Sanitorium's Cable TV Network featured ball-by-ball coverage from Mission Road, summarised below.
Keith lost the toss and Centaurs bowled and fielded with the usual mixture of the amusing, the ridiculous and the not-bad-at-all. Simon and Tony opened the bowling and Simon copped some pretty harsh treatment. Tony bowled 10 overs of tidy away-swing, Gopes the usual 10 tight overs of accurate off-spin. Anuj bowled 3 good overs to compensate for a spell behind the stumps which brought to mind an Italian traffic policeman in the Roman rush hour. Farouq, brought into the action a little later than normal, bowled very effectively. Fletch bowled well but suffered from the usual "run away, bravely" approach from the Centaurs out-housers (that's out-fielders, Ed).
Sam "I held onto one in 1998, honestly" Davies spilled his 3rd, 4th and 5th dollies of the season. His previous spills have been due exclusively to the dim light of the early evening. This time it was clearly too bright for catching. We're looking forward to the Saturday when the meteorological circumstances conspire "A Perfect Storm"- like to produce conditions in which the ball lodges in the folds in Sam's clothing or in the nick of his arse, rather than spilling lamely onto the grass in front of him. Meanwhile Simon made up for his prolific spell with the ball by taking 3 catches in the outfield.
Chasing a mammoth 250-odd, Centaurs made a steady start with Simon and Keith adding 75 for the first wicket at about 4 or 5 an over. Simon was dismissed for 33 to free the way for Sam to give a batting masterclass, scoring an effortless and almost chanceless 127 not out to win the game with an over to spare. Support came from Oges with 20-odd and Keith with 60-odd. Centaurs' first century for 2 seasons, and rather surprisingly, Sam's maiden century, apparently. I am sure there are plenty more where that came from. Great finish to the league season and promising augury for the Cup.
Man of the Match: Sam
Clubmen of the Week: Gopes and Tony for picking up the kit on Friday night, when Skipper realised that he was in hospital at short notice for schlong reduction.
Next game will be in the cup - details to follow.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Another time perhaps")
What? Play cricket over the Christmas weekend? The Centaurs made sure that there was very little that might be recognised as cricket in another performance to be stored in the file marked "Comedy".
Putting a team together was far from easy. We were helped out at the last minute by my wife, Janet, and my sister in law, Alice, who, agreed to make their Centaurs debut when Saturday turned out nice and they realised how desperate things were. (No gags about Janet finding desperation difficult to resist, please, Ed.). Since it was Janet's debut and this computer is hers, I have let her write the match report, reproduced below:
"As the smug old silver haired chap in the cream blazer says on Steve's tedious cricket vidos, "It was a great day for cricket". What I think he means to say is "it's hot and bright, if you're tuned in rather than at the beach or the pool, you must be a sad spotter statto character, so welcome to the 1st day's play at the Oval to all the speccy anoracked wigginses out there". Anyway, lovely bright day and Alice looked lithe and leggy in here borrowed white outfit. The white cap worn at a jaunty angle offset the cheekily non-conformist grey trainers. The shirt worn outside the trousers added a tom-boy air to an ensemble which mized equal measures of sportiness and smartness, confidence and sex-appeal.
Simon proved that if you have big feet you shouldn't wear white shoes, but his "cowboy-style" hat conjured images of John Wayne and Westerns. Most importantly, he only batted until his wife and baby arrived, which makes him a candidate for this week's Most Sensitive Centaur Award.
Anand looked very athletic and imposing dashing in to bowl and cleverly kept the ball wide so that the batsmen could not reach it. Nick preferred to bowl closer to the batsman and generated great pace off the bat. The Centaurs fielders seemed to scatter skilfully away from the ball whenever it went in the air. HKU clearly don't practise enough, since when they fielded they allowed the ball to come close to them, sometimes even catching it before it had a chance to bounce or hit the netting around the grass area.
Mr Gopal looked very suave and debonair - he reminded me of a sort of Omar Shariff meets Noel Coward. He didn't seem happy when Nick said he was out, though. I suppose this was because his wife and children had not arrived yet.
I wasn't sure why Rajesh was wearing grey elasticated trousers when he first arrived. But it soon became clear that he had to wear sports trousers because he was the only Centaurs player who was allowed to stop the ball first time and sometimes that meant getting dirty.
That nice Mr Gearing gave me some fielding tips, including "Try to catch the ball if it comes to you without bouncing". He did not have time to tell me about palming the ball up over the boundary, but fortunately was able to show me how to do that later on.
Neil also favoured the John Wayne look and staged a late entrance to make sure everyone noticed him (a trick every girl uses when she's wearing her favourite party frock). He also mentioned that Alice and I throw the ball as far as Banksie, which we thought was encouraging. Steve later explained that he was being rude.
Eddie also made a bid for the Most Sensitive Centaur Award by batting until the end of the game so that Alice and I didn't have to put those sweaty legpads on.
HKU didn't look nearly as attractive as Centaurs, so I presume Centaurs "chalked up another victory" as I have heard Steve say (once).
And the Most Sensitive Centaur Award goes to: Nick for sending Mr Gopal back to the shade of the pavillion when he looked a little sweaty whilst batting.
Editor's Note: HKU made about 270 for 6. Centaurs made about 140 for 7.
Eddie Naylor and Matt Gearing batted well. Gopes bowled well. Neil hit a 6.
Rajesh fielded well. Simon and Anand bowled all right. Err, that's it.
Next game: Sat 13 January v Mainlanders at DBS. Who's available? Alice has
gone back to Chicago and Janet is on a shopping trip in Shenzhen (presumably
with Simon), so we might be short.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("If at first you don't succeed, doctor the score-book")
In a coincidence that borders on the bizarre, both England and the Centaurs won games within 48 hours of each other. Nasser Hussein, speaking to Michael Henderspoon of the Daily Telecrap shortly after his team's historic win, said: "We knew once we saw the Centaurs roll over DBS under 7s that we could dismiss Pakistan cheaply. And when it came to our knock over the weekend we borrowed a few tricks from Graeme Fletcher, who we have always thought had an old head on old shoulders. So before Athers went out to make his match-winning, epic,r earguard century, he threw himself down the steps of the pavilion, hitting 9 of 12 steps before landing on his sternum on the
corner of the scorebox roof and slumping down like a felled heifer into the gutter in front of the pavilion. Athers and I discussed this approach and we both felt that if it was good enough preparation for Fletch, it was good enough for the England top-order batsmen. Sure enough, as it worked for Mr Fletcher, so it worked for Mike. Athers said he felt strangely calm at the crease and that no in-swinging toe cracker from Waqar could possibly be as alarming as bungy-jumping without a bungy. The boys are really chuffed with this result and are looking forward to a well-earned rest before we take on HKU (Err, shurely that's Sri Lanka, Ed)".
A catalogue of errors could not stop the Centaurs Circus (You mean "Bandwagon", Ed.) from rolling on. Eric Morecombe would have been proud of the comedy moments which started with the Skipper forgetting the kit, Justin turning up at 2pm because he thought that might be when the game starts, Ben turning up at 3pm because he'd had a sniff of the barmaid's apron the night before, Skipper losing count in the scorebook by about 10 runs (not material) and Fletch doing a triple-salko, double-toe-loop, back-somersault tumbling routine with a degree of difficulty of 9.9 down the pavilion steps. And all that took place off the pitch.
On the pitch, Farouq smashed 26 in 4 overs, opening the batting because he asked the Skipper nicely. Keith faced his old arch-nemesis (Anuj) and lost the fight again, given out in the now traditional highly questionable circumstances. Next time Keith is hit on the leg whilst Anuj is umpiring, I suggest he should walk.
Skips played the pull shot. Having forgotten how to play it for a brief period earlier in the season, his memory returned and he managed to find the middle of the top-edge and loop it precisely into the hands of mid-wicket who had been placed there the ball before. Didn't have to move; inch-perfect.
Andy O, the man in-season (shurely that's in-form, Ed?) played some nice shots before being well-caught at slip. Anand and Andy O went for a suicidal single to leave Anand stranded. Buzz and Neil, both on their debuts, played some good shots and put up much-needed resistance to halt the collapse. Justin did likewise before his concentration was broken by Fletch being shot out of a cannon in front of the pavilion.
The most valuable contributions came from Ben, Anuj and Flyin' Fletch who all looked solid in scoring much-needed runs for the last couple of wickets. Eddie the Eagle was left not-out for the eleventy-seventh time in Centaurs' 98-year history, when Anuj lobbed up a pull-shot that reminded me of something I can't quite put my finger on. Before that Anuj had smashed his first six since he hit a ball from Plooper Parpington-Schmartington over the bike-sheds to snatch victory for Just William house against Jennings house
in the Tom-Brown's-Schooldays-crumpets-for-tea-straw-boater-full-sub-fusc-buggar-me-in-the-junior-parlour-after-prep-challenge (last week).
Anyway, the winning target was spread between 3 and 1,717, depending on how many of Skipper's errors in the score-book were corrected. 143 seemed plausible, so we plumped for that. Centaurs got off to the best possible start, with aw icket off the 1st ball of the innings. Caught in the gully by Centaurs' stuntman off a beauty (well, it was not a wide) from Farouq.
A good spell from Anuj and Ben, some very helpful umpiring decisions from some bullied schoolboys, some comedy drops (particularly from Ben and Oges) and a good catch from Buzz later and Centaurs had won another. One defeat in 5g ames, 3 wins and a tie, the stats speak for themselves. Not sure we really deserved this one, but look in the book (once we've amended it).
Man of the Match: Mr Farouq - 3 for and a dashing 26.
Champagne Mo: Clarkey's meal not turning up at all at Cubana and the waiters and manager not giving a sh!t.
Jolly Shandy Mo: Oges drop (and subsequent hospital visit).
Clubman of the Week: Clarkey for 12th manning, running Feet-for-Hands to the hospital and not being grumpy about his food and beer not turningu p.
Centaurs Cricket Club ("Another time perhaps")
What? Play cricket over the Christmas weekend? The Centaurs made sure that there was very little that might be recognised as cricket in another performance to be stored in the file marked "Comedy".
Putting a team together was far from easy. We were helped out at the last minute by my wife, Janet, and my sister in law, Alice, who, agreed to make their Centaurs debut when Saturday turned out nice and they realised how desperate things were. (No gags about Janet finding desperation difficult to resist, please, Ed.). Since it was Janet's debut and this computer is hers, I have let her write the match report, reproduced below:
"As the smug old silver haired chap in the cream blazer says on Steve's tedious cricket videos, "It was a great day for cricket". What I think he means to say is "it's hot and bright, if you're tuned in rather than at the beach or the pool, you must be a sad spotter statto character, so welcome to the 1st day's play at the Oval to all the speccy anoracked wigginses out there". Anyway, lovely bright day and Alice looked lithe and leggy in here borrowed white outfit. The white cap worn at a jaunty angle offset the cheekily non-conformist grey trainers. The shirt worn outside the trousers added a tom-boy air to an ensemble which mized equal measures of sportiness and smartness, confidence and sex-appeal.
Simon proved that if you have big feet you shouldn't wear white shoes, but his "cowboy-style" hat conjured images of John Wayne and Westerns. Most importantly, he only batted until his wife and baby arrived, which makes him a candidate for this week's Most Sensitive Centaur Award.
Anand looked very athletic and imposing dashing in to bowl and cleverly kept the ball wide so that the batsmen could not reach it. Nick preferred to bowl closer to the batsman and generated great pace off the bat. The Centaurs fielders seemed to scatter skilfully away from the ball whenever it went in the air. HKU clearly don't practise enough, since when they fielded they allowed the ball to come close to them, sometimes even catching it before it had a chance to bounce or hit the netting around the grass area.
Mr Gopal looked very suave and debonair - he reminded me of a sort of Omar Shariff meets Noel Coward. He didn't seem happy when Nick said he was out, though. I suppose this was because his wife and children had not arrived yet.
I wasn't sure why Rajesh was wearing grey elasticated trousers when he first arrived. But it soon became clear that he had to wear sports trousers because he was the only Centaurs player who was allowed to stop the ball first time and sometimes that meant getting dirty.
That nice Mr Gearing gave me some fielding tips, including "Try to catch the ball if it comes to you without bouncing". He did not have time to tell me about palming the ball up over the boundary, but fortunately was able to show me how to do that later on.
Neil also favoured the John Wayne look and staged a late entrance to make sure everyone noticed him (a trick every girl uses when she's wearing her favourite party frock). He also mentioned that Alice and I throw the ball as far as Banksie, which we thought was encouraging. Steve later explained that he was being rude.
Eddie also made a bid for the Most Sensitive Centaur Award by batting until the end of the game so that Alice and I didn't have to put those sweaty legpads on.
HKU didn't look nearly as attractive as Centaurs, so I presume Centaurs "chalked up another victory" as I have heard Steve say (once).
And the Most Sensitive Centaur Award goes to: Nick for sending Mr Gopal back to the shade of the pavillion when he looked a little sweaty whilst batting.
Editor's Note: HKU made about 270 for 6. Centaurs made about 140 for 7.
Eddie Naylor and Matt Gearing batted well. Gopes bowled well. Neil hit a 6.
Rajesh fielded well. Simon and Anand bowled all right. Err, that's it.